I sing and scream, My heart is heavy and light

laughingcity:

(via movieoftheday)

I’m seriously just considering renting this movie now…

Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

http://notalwaysright.com/

(via morganmartinez) Where’s the break dancing Asian?!

“In a progressive country change is constant; …change… is inevitable.”
-Benjamin Disraeli (via .bipolar)

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable.”

— Woody Allen, Annie Hall

“If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact-not to be solved, but to be coped with over time.”
-Shimon Peres (via hello hand)

“I thought of that old joke, y’know, the, this… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And, uh, the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y’know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and… but, uh, I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs.”

— Woody Allen, Annie Hall

jaelau:(via storybookromance)

“If America taught me anything, it’s that quitting is right up there with pissing in the Girl Scouts’ lemonade jar”

— Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Really tempted to get this tee-shirt just to warrant a comedic outburst or two from the relatives this Christmas…